About tofu and dying

There's an 8% chance that I'll have a heart attack in 10 years. That's 1 in 12.

Let's put it this way: my odds of having a heart attack are TWICE the odds of getting hemorrhoids.

And I thought that carrying a blow up ring was bad.

A couple of weeks ago I got the results of my physical. My cholesterol is through the roof, the bad one is in the basement, my liver lipids are out of whack, I had too much sugar in my blood and my weight is 30 pounds north of where it should be.

My doctor, usually a light-hearted guy who wears cowboy boots every day, sounded ominous when he left me a voice mail with the results.

He needed to put me on cholesterol medication, was worried about heart disease, liver malfunction and diabetes, and wanted to run some additional tests.

In plain English, he scared the shit out of me.

So, I did what we all do. Started running (again), eating less fat and carbs (again), eating more "lean" protein (again)...

Exactly the same things I've been trying for 20 years, with no results.

A few weeks after starting my new "regime" I went on a week-long business trip to Austin and New York and predictably, I didn’t exercise all week and ate a shitload of crap.

Fell off the wagon (again).

But unlike before, that thing about dying before my oldest daughter finished high school was still bothering me.

While waiting for my flight out of La Guardia I saw the “Skinny Bastard” book. I had heard about “Skinny Bitch,” and after flipping through a couple of pages, I thought it was funny. Oh, and the two bitches on the back cover were hot. So, I bought a copy.

Little did I know that destiny wanted me to read the whole book that day: my airplane got stuck on the tarmac for 5 hours because of a storm.

I’ve read many dieting books in my life. From Scarsdale to The Zone to Eat to Win. And I was never so riveted by the facts thrown at my face.

I’ve always been a meat-eating guy. I always thought that vegetarians were annoying and vegans were an insane hog-hugging bunch (calling them tree-huggers seems inappropriate).

I thought tofu was for sissies and that not eating animals was simply wrong. After all, we’re on top of the chain. We can eat anybody. Right?

I was truly shocked by the book.

It was a kick in the ass.

By the time I landed in Houston I had a very different view of the things I needed to eat.

It was (and still is) a weird feeling. Suddenly realizing that what I’ve thought my entire life was wrong.

The next day I went with my two daughters to Whole Foods Market and bought a few things. A carton of soy milk, organic whole grain bagels and, God help me, some veggie “burgers," “meats,” and “cheese.”

The girls wanted chocolate milk, so I got them chocolate soy milk with a panda on the carton. They didn’t notice the difference.

So, how far will I go? How realistic it is that I will become vegetarian, then vegan?

I don’t know. Probably unlikely.

But there are three things I do know.

First, I’ll do my best to change my eating habits for good.

It’s literally a matter of life and dead. I have future projects, want to see my girls grow, want to retire in a few years and enjoy life with my wife. Am I willing to give all that up for a slice of bacon?

Second, I want to go slow.

I’m planning to gradually move to healthier choices. When the cholesterol results came in, I gave up red meat and cheese immediately. This week, I’m planning to give up dairy and chicken. The following week, who knows…

The only way to climb a mountain: one step at the time.

And third, I’m NOT going to tell anybody outside my closest loved ones.

When I told my wife about my shopping trip to Whole Foods, her attitude was “oh-kay…” She’s seen me get excited about crazy things in the past, like that one time when I wanted to start my own country (long story). But she was surprised.

I don’t know what shocked her more: my new commitment to eat healthier foods, or the fact that for the first time in my life I used the word “tofurkey” and I was not making a joke.

In any case, I don’t want to become a weird animal rights activist. Nothing against them. I think it’s great that they’re willing to go to town and be vocal for the things they believe in.

I think it’s great when they go out and write a book, like the skinny bitches did.

I just don’t want to be annoying.

Is it bad caring about what other people think? Absolutely. But I don’t care about what you think about me caring about what other people think.

At restaurants, there are always healthy dishes I can pick discretely. At friend’s houses I can always navigate around the available choices. I don’t want to proclaim my cleanliness and try to make other people feel bad about their carnivore lives.

And that’s the reason behind this blog. While I don't want to say anything about this, I NEED to tell someone.

In a strange way, this should give me accountability. I know it’s a bunch of strangers, but hey.

So, we’ll see where this takes me. Go, Tofurkey, go!